Monday, November 10, 2008

Tomorrow comes before the Sun

I don't have regrets. Never have, maybe I never will. Or so I like to think. I'm a people person. The face of steel. Predictable in it's arrogance. Basically, I am a different person by myself then around others. And one of the few social skills I have is the ability to gauge people's reactions and thoughts on various actions in advance. And knowing this, my action follow a pre-set path of what I should do. It's like when you're doing something. Maybe it's annoying, maybe it's not. Doesn't matter. And someone looks over and tells you to quit being an asshole and stop. The tone set the stage, If you stop you're a bitch, continue an inconsiderate jerk. I decided a long time ago that I was not and will never be a bitch. So sometimes I come off as an asshole. Happens. Like I said no regrets.

Unfortunately for me, that carefully crafted exterior of confidence devil be damned attitude falls apart for kelli. She makes me doubt. Makes me wonder. Makes me have regrets. Makes me question every decision Ive ever made. I called her tonight. She didn't answer, she rarely does. I put in the majority of effort into being friends. I start the communication. I'm there when she's in trouble. I wait for her to come around. And in return I get nothing but the empty feeling when she walks away or hangs up the phone.

I have a friend, soccer chick for our purposes. I describe her as the person I call when I go thru my phone's address book wanting to talk to someone and but can't find anyone worth calling. She's who I call. She gives me kelli advice. Her main bit being she's no good for me. Which is probably true. But I love the way kelli makes me feel on the inside. I love the smile on my face when we talk. The way I fall for her each time I see her. No other girl will do. And I can't even find a girl to try and get over her with. I'm not a casual romance kinda guy and any girl I'm close to knows about kelli. Not a great way to start a relationship.

On top of that. My future is uncertain. I hate all the school I applied to. The academics at two of the three suck. And the third I just dislike generally. I'm tempted to see about going back to NY, abandoning everything I have here. It's not a lot. 2 or 3 friends who I might keep. The memory of kelli maybe. Maybe I'll work at a hotel until I'm in my 70s and people we'll wonder what ever happened to me. Maybe Ill end up at school with kelli. We'll get married and live happily ever after.

Tune in soon for:

The quest for mathematics

My ultra top secret sure fire plan to win kelli's heart

How to turn down time into you time

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