Clarity

Life's been up and down the last few months. Mostly down. I found another job after quiting and finished out the semester at UNCW with about what I expected grade wise. I re-applied and was re-admitted to RPI and am sitting in a study lounge currently writing this. 

My life feels back on track but different. I feel a cloud of resignation in all my actions that hangs over tempting me to give in and accept my fate. I have. Kelli was distant for the summer, though she did come see me on my birthday. Things have changed. I don't know if I love her anymore. Regardless I know I hate myself for ever loving her and loving her still. Nothing kills the soul faster than killing a dream. 

Other than that I spend my time in a daze. Days really are turning to weeks and I am adrift, not caring where I land.

Tune in soon for:

Tells of the frigid North

Fun Math

Costume Tips to Feel your Treat Bag

How old are you?

Quit the job. Marched in to the front office threw my smock on those bastards faces and laughed as  I left. And by smock I mean turned in a two week notice and then worked their schedule to finish on time. But still, it's over. School is winding down. I'm in exam week, took one this morning. It's gonna be an okay semester Probally 3 As 1 C or B. Meh. I wish I cared.

Kelli. Fuck Kelli. I think I'm done. Nothing good can come of it. I'm tired of being used like her fuckin play thing. She basically told me Im her backup for if her life doesnt turn out the way she wants. I guess she wants me by the phone through my thirties waiting on her call. Fuck that shit. I drove my cousinn and two of her friends to prom last weekend. It was okay. One was cute and I think might be interested in me. I've decided I want to have a summer fling with her then turn her into a booty call for the future. An ambitous plan, I know. Main hinderance. I dont know her age. I think 17. worst case is 15. but fingers crossed for 17 or 18. I'm 19 so a year or two is no biggie. 

Tune in soon for:

Fuck Kelli Part 1

Fuck Kelli Part 2, preferabbly by fucking someone

Fuck Kelli Part 3

Shitty Mc shit shit

Life sucks majorly at this exact moment in time. Hopefully It'll be getting a lot better soon. I quit my night time job. Tuesday will be the last time I ever have to deal with the BS. Its just been wearing me down. After spring break I didnt wanna go back and then the toll on school has been building. I will be happy when its completly behind me. School is school. I like my axiomatic systems class, calc 3 is meh. Others are okay. I register for classes wednsday. I'm trying to get a summer research/internship job currenty. I probally won't. It's a little late.

Kelli is kelli. her birthday was last week. I did all the right things. I got her a thoughtful gift. I called her etc etc. SHe seemed happy. She's been overly friendly the last week and a half or so. idk. Cara, who thinks I'm an idiot, confronted kelli about it. She claimed to not remember doing half the things she did. And more importantly I opened up to cara about my kelli feelings etc. She looked at me like I was insane. Kelli has met a new guy. She either likes him or wants to like him. Here's the kicker. He looks like me, but chubbier and goofier, he acts like me. She said she likes how much he reminds her of me. I told her that was cool, casual ya know? But I'm getting a little miffed. What does she want from me? Or why doesnt she want it more importantly. I'm fine when she goes on about guys that are polar opposites, but this hit alot closer to home. 

There's nothing left for me to hope for. The only way she'll fall for me is when it's to late. If her life doesnt work out great and she see me as an escape to better things. I dont what I'll say then...

Tune in soon for:

My Penis and a Vagina

Final Exams

Swimsuit facts sure to keep you looking good al summer long

Navy Shenanigans

Spring Fuckin Break. I was ready for it. Lots of alcohol, loose women etc etc. Haven't had either so far but its still been a good time and there's still the weekend. I arranged my work schedule so I'd actually have some time off and everything. There was some bulshit, there always is, but I got through it. I'm in a dumb manuevering war with a girl at work she's whose retarded. I jokingly invited her to come to a math class because I enjoy math. Dumb bitch though I was making fun of her and inviting her to a math tutoring class that I teach. Then since I work at night with her dad she's been a bitch about communicating. Fuck it, I can't wait to quit. 

Monday morning at 7 am I was done for a week. No school, no class, lets rock. Some of my NY buddies road tripped it down and we met up. It was a good pointless trip. Camped, smoked, joked. It was just like old times. Made me miss RPI the navy and that entire life way to much. I am unsure about my leave the Navy desicision. I might look into come of the programs that culminate in OCS or just apply for OCS when I graduate. I want it all back I think. I miss the life, the sense of purpose, the hippie jokes. I miss doing shit that sucks knowing that it makes me better then the guy on the bus beside me. I plan on getting into shape over the next couple months then going to see the local recruiter to explore my options. 

Tune in soon for:

The conclusion of an exciting semester at UNCW

Kelli caves to me, probally not

Spring cleaning trick to get the house looking its best for garden parties

Bitches ain't Shit

At work. what's new? I have school tomorrow so it's gonna be a long night. Classes are okay. I think I can make all A's maybe one B. Spring break starts friday and I'm off work form monday to monday, So I might actually get a nice little break. I sent in an application to work at governor's school this weekend. If I gt the job, I'm going to quit in June if not I'll quit in july. I can't do this with school. It's killing me. It makes me tired, fall asleep etc. I'm so tired some afternoons, I'm literally scared to drive home. next year I'll live off finacial aid and work a shitty job like starbucks or best buy. 

No ladies options to speak of. I got mad in a girly way at cara and erin today. They wouldn't stop bitching about kelli and me and how stupid it is. Fuck them. I like the way she makes me feel and fuck the rest. Is it wrong to want a girl that makes you stop in your tracks. I'm not talking about a girl I want to fuck. Cara and Erin both fit that bill. Erin especially. She reminds me of kelli in some ways. But niether compares to kelli. She makes me feel alive. She makes me forget that there's anything else in the world. I don't notice the world when I see her because she is my world. 

All that being said. I'm ready for a change. I want to wait on her forever, but don't want to look back at my life and regret it. The worst is, everytime kelli hears about me doing something with another girl she lets me get a little further with her. I get re-hooked and don't care about anything else again. I just want things to be magical. 

Tune in soon for:

Spring Break Shenanigans

How me and kelli end up magically together forever and ever

Summer Vacation Musts

What did I expect?

So I went up to see kelli at chapel hill this weekend. We went to the rocky horror pic show at a theater in Raleigh and all. I was actually excited about it. She said she was gonna be happy to see me. Two of our other friends still in Wilmington came as well. I guess I thought she actually wanted to see me. Hell. I'll even admit that i was hoping something was going to change between us this weekend. She's been into me almost. I though the culmination of the weekend would in some sort of way seal the deal. As I was leaving my brother and step dad announced that I was "that" guy. The guy that drives girls to parties and stands around while they find guys to fuck. Turns out they were right. I am.

The main highlight was seeing all the girls dress rather slutty for the show. Kelli was wearing a super short skirt and worried about her ass hanging out the back. Not to mention the first thing she did when I got there was put on the dress she could've worn to my fraternity formal. She's not going because she has a religious camp thing that same weekend. She doesn't believe in god. Basically she was saying look at how hot i could be for you but I'm not gonna. After. The show I discovered that none of them could say no the three super creepy guys that wanted us to go to breakfast with them. So we went to IHOP and had to wait like an hour to be seated then another 40 minutes for out food. At one point during the wait I asked everyone if they wanted to leave. They all said yes. When I tried to leave kelli said she'd feel bad leaving the guys. One of them paid for the food and afterward they all talked about how nice of guys they were. The guys had spent the whole time trying to get in their pants. Buying dinner was part of it. I take kelli out all the time and always try to make sure she's comfortable etc. I'm a loser, the guy trying to do nothing but fuck on of them, he didn't care which one, is the nice guy.

Sad thing is I was excited going to sleep because I had one of kelli's blankets and could at least pretend it smelled like her because she was there. I'm pathetic I know. I decided to go back to wilm early today. I don't have a good reason other then just telling kelli it was a mistake for me to come in the first place. I want something from her which I'll never get and she doesn't give a fuck about me unless it's convenient for her. I don't know if me and her can be friends.

In good news, since I ruined half me weekend in c hill, I'm suppose to drink and smoke hookah with erin. I'm excited. I like her I think. At the very least she interest me, which is something I can't really say of many girls for a long time. She actually seems interested. I guess I'll find out.

Tube in soon for:

The end of the kelli sagas, probably not.

Math Math Math, I love it cause it never lets me down

Fun facts sure to impress at your next oprah book club meeting

Too Legit to Quit

Life is life currently. No more no less. Work is the same and school is in a rut. I'm so ready for spring break and my subsequent trip to NY. Something good did happen though. I got another scholarship and hopefully my move out problem will take care of itself relatively shortly when I get that cash money. And maybe I'll cut down on my work schedule. Ive worked 40 hrs this week. Classes are easy though midterms are coming up and I don't know quite what to expect.

Main thing in my life is lady issues I guess. Kelli is kelli. One day I could swear she loves me other days I know she doesn't care at all. This weekend me and several friends are going to see her. Highlight all the girls will be dressed quite slutty. Downside, I know she'll make me feel like shit. I might have a talk with her and have a " friend break up". I don't know if we can keep being friends. She makes me feel wonderful but the extra stuff isn't worth it. The calc girl is going nowhere we basically stopped talking. I lost interest. Erin is a different story. She is intoxicating. Mainly thru her attitude. Maybe it's because she reminds of me kelli in some ways. I don't know how to start anything though. Maybe something will come of it. Laura has been odd. Clingy, distant, etc. She acts like if I talk to anyone else I've betrayed her. I'm not in the mood for her drama. I have enough relationship issues without being in a relationship. So basically my chances of getting laid in 2009 are zero. Life goes on though and so must I.

Tune in soon for:

Heartbreak weekend with kelli

My triumphant return to NY

Hair tips for the windiest days

no one else can fix me

mad. sad. bad. lad. dad. That's been my mood the last couple of days. Well the first couple at least. School and Work and Kelli wears a guy down. I've been having lots of headaches and sinus problems. I think as a direct result of my fucked up sleep schedule. Work blows. It's just highly inconvenient with classes and my schedule. Some days I feel like the walking dead. I'm looking for a new job. I'm hoping as a clerical person or something. My goal is 30 hrs a week or so and to clear 200 a week after taxes. Not a good time to be job hunting all things considered. Especially considering I have a relatively easy job with good pay. The hours are killing me though. I need the money though.

Move out scenario is still the same. I have nowhere to go and couldn't afford it if I did. Talked to my dad and he basically ran me around in a circle with you're better off at home aka its free. asshole. I blame him for NY. I wish I had taken loans and stayed at RPI now. I'm going back in march for a visit and my fraternity formal. I'm ecstatic. I miss everyone so much. The classes, the cold, everything. I invited Kelli to come as my date. She gave me a conditional yes then backed out the next day. She has some bs religious thing that weekend. She pissed me off royally. Not because she's not going but because she didn't just say she didn't want to. She's almost as religilous as me. I'd rather she said I don't want to go or don't think I should etc. I hate myself over her right now. I just want her to like me and have everything be work out.

I have been meeting girls at uncw. There's one in my math and old test class that I like. She doesn't make me feel alive the way Kelli does but she's nice, cute, and likes math. A perfect boring girl for me. It's all I want especially after seeing what happens when you let someone know how you feel. I was thinking about asking her out on a date. But yesterday I met a girl named Erin. She antiques me. She reminds me of several people rolled into one. I actually thought about her alot today after another chance run in since we first met yesterday. I'm nervous though. On top of that things with laura have been as wierd as ever. Somedays she seems really into m other days I don't know.

But fuck it, I've got work tonight and an assload of schoolwork to plow through.

Tune in soon for:

Valentine's day: It's gonna be awesome since I'm working the entire weekend.

Spring break plans since it's only a month away.

Tips to ace midterms and fly through exams.

UNC by the Sea

Work Class. Sleep. Repeat. That's my life at this moment. I hate it. I'm dying on the inside. I only enjoy one of my classes the rest are just tolerable. I'm exhausted all the time and have started smoking heavier. Not a pack a day r even close but I smoke 2 or 3 times a day normally as opposed to my previous once or twice a week. I feel like crap and I think it's beginning to show.

Classes are boring and repetitive. Too easy. I don't feel like I''m actually attending school. Jjust showing up. Of course, That doesn't stop me from sleeping late and screwing up my first test in calc 3. Took it today. Not as confidant as I should be. meeh. Other classes are easy and suck. Old testament is static and doesnt seem to be going anywhere. American Nat'l goverment is random with no direction. It's okay only because I enjoy talking politics. My axiomatic systems class I enjoy but we seem to be stalling out and not going anywhere all ready.

Finiacial aid came through and it was a big number. 3400 or so. I was like sweet get a car, place to live, daytime hooker, etc. I got a car. I'm looking for a place. Then the other shoe fell. I lost 2 grand for the most bullshit reason in the world. It's a grant thats for NC students at NC schools. I qualify for it and my award orginally showed it. Here's the bullshit. Since I went to school elsewher freshman year and didnt go last year I'm not eligible. I need to qualify as a "new" grant reciepent having graduated in june 2008 or later. I don't get the money because I didnt get it before. If I had, I would still get it. Bull fuckin shit. Now I cant move out. I need to bad. Last night trying to study for a test proved it. My mom wouldnt stop blabbin about random crap. My step-dad kept bothering me and when I said I needed to study he informed that I thpught I was smart so I shouldn't need to. dumbass. That's why he's 46 and has nothing to show for it. Doesn't even own a car. I'm tempted to email my dad and just flat out ask for money to get an apt. or rent a room or something. I need a place to study at bare minium.

Kelii is still shittin with me. On and Off bull. I'm starting to get angry at her. She needs to relaize that I can't do this kinda crap forever. It's making me insane. But I got class. The good math one at least.

Tune in soon for:

kelli, laura, etc,,aka me not getting laid

Those test results

Stylin and Flyin tips for the ghetto gangsta

It's Been a While

So Its been a while since my last post. Haven't been in a bloggy let my feelings out mood. Maybe it was kelli maybe it was other things. I don't know. Start with the life update. Work is boring and sucky. Nothing has happened there. I am tempted to find a job with better hours though to help with school. School is fine. I'm at UNCW. Classes are semi mediocre. One of my math classes seems good though. Only bullshit was I had to wait till 2 days before classes started to register. bleh. So my schedule could be better.

Love life is shitty if not shittier then ever. I love her still. She's gotten really bad about using me though. Not, that's a lot but ok. She's entered into the realm of I do these things to get what I want. I buy her things, take her to dinner, act as her chauffeur, etc etc. She doesn't do anything but play around with me. A kiss at new years. A overly long hug after a movie night. Enough so that I'm hooked. She likes me liking her I think. It makes her feel like she's wanted and can get whatever she wants. Unfortunately, the main reason she says she doesn't like me is that I'm not a challenge for her. Should I be? She use to tell me she could see it emotionally, but she wasn't attracted to me. Couple of nights ago at work she calls for no reason to chat. Mainly to complain about a guy she dated that she still crushes on. In the conversation she lets slip that she thinks I'm more attractive then him. I wish I knew what her deal was. I think I might be able to get over her soon I hope so.

Tune in soon for:

WTF kelli?

adventures with my webcam, wink wink hint hint

Study tips to keep your grades high this semester