So I'll start off with the weekly update. I know theres been a new one everyday but this is how I work thru it so sit still and ill skip in the future or die which will end the blog since I'm unrelated to tupac. Work again today. Spent three hrs going thru computer program as the training mechanism. Click here to do this yadda yadda yadda. Nothing notable happened cept for the first lesson was on mouse use. This is retarded since you have to ise the mouse to open the program. Now you might thing to yourself not that big a deal. You had to advance thru the first 5 stages by pushing a key until the program taught you how to push the fuckin mouse buttons. My favorite was the double click demo with a self-esteem booster attached telling me not to be disappointed if I didn't get it on my first try. Had a lovely walk afterwards and a delicious lunch of microwave cheese quessadilla around 2. All in all a magical day.
So me and kelli were best friends. We saw each other every day and stayed up late together. I told her when I had problems, she told me when she had problems. I thought of her family as my family. In fact, I almost had to go gangsta on some asswipe who was drunk for the first time ever talking about fucking her little sister at a party not to long ago. She's 14 for gods sake i don't care if he's only 15. Fuck him.
Meanwhile I had graduated and was preparing to go to college in NY at RPI. It was a pricey school, 50 g s a year or so. But no worries, Uncle Sam had my back. I had a full NROTC scholarship to pay for it all. I left with tearful goodbyes especially from kelli. She wrote me a letter, Ill still have it to read while I cry and hug my pillow actually, which I opened on the plane. My college career started with mini boot camp. One of the guys running it use to yell constantly and he would always tell us our girlfriends were in someone else's arms already. I didn't have one, never had but kelli always sprang to mind when he said that. And I'd be gone for moment thinking about her. School stared after normal college life plus 5 am wake ups for PT and oh yeah the navy owned me as we use to say jokingly.
Then one night I had a dream about me and kelli sleeping together. Not a sex dream, though I have had some good ones and weird ones. My favorite is about me banging this hot chick I use to work with. Best part she's on all four doggy style. Still wearing her pants. Not pulled down, no holes, It was a miracle of sex and physics. I think it was her phenomenal ass, i mean one of the ones you just want to put your face in, that i had only seen in her tight little pants so my brain couldn't or wouldn't remove it for sex. All we did in this dream was lay in bed and spoon. I remember the ghost like warmth still in my arms when I awoke. That feeling still haunts me today. I knew I loved her. Not like. Not crushing. Not thinking about it cause were both cool people that get along. none of that bullshit. Love. I loved her. I love her still.
So I did what any rational red blooded American man does. Keep it to myself and keep looking around. I was in NY over 700 miles away. Not to mention the friendship I might lose. Then i went to her best friend and told her. She said go for it. Everyone said it was better to tell someone then always wonder. fuckin liars. wished i didn't. She was nice told me she didn't feel the same way blah blah distance doesn't work blah blah lets be friends blah blah.
Now kelli's mom works for an airline and as such she flies for free. So when I needed a date for a military ball, I invited kelli despite the distance. She came and we went together. During dinner she slowly slid her foot up the inside of my leg while staring deep into my eyes with a mischievous smile on her face. After dinner, we hit the dance floor and she stood in my arms puling me into her and laid her head on my shoulder. After the dance we went back to my dorm room. My roommate had a hotel room so we were all alone. I changed out of uniform and laid down on my bed. She slowly undid the back of her dress and slid it to the floor. She wasn't wearing underwear within a minute neither was I. It'd be awesome if that had happened but not with her. lets back up. I laid down on the bed. She sat at the computer desk and played with her myspace updating her profile picture. We didn't really talk at all. Then I drove her to her aunt's house where she was staying. She asked me why I couldn't find a girl. " Cause every girl I see I wish was you" I replied slowly, evenly with a trace of depression. She got out of the car, hugged me goodbye no kiss on the cheek to take me home, and went inside. I drove off to drink myself happy. on campus not in the car for all those reaching for 911 right now.
That basically sums up my friendship with kelli. She teases me about loving her one minute and the next leaves me a message telling me how wonderful I am. If she's scared she'll grab my arm in the dark knowing I would do anything for her. At her house watching a movie, She'll pull back to be sure we don't accidentally touch. Then fall asleep leaving me to sleep quietly into the night.
At the beginning of this year. I decided to drop NROTC. I wish I had a story that would make everything clear. I simply realized that I want to teach and didn't want to be in the navy. I was worried about my home life and how my kids would grow up with a part time father. Teaching stood in the distance as the right thing. Of course, The navy doesn't pay for school when you quit their program so I was forced to drop out. The night I found out I could afford school I called kelli. She didn't understand. She called me failure told me I was stupid and then hung up on me. I rolled over and wept. I had been stone faced telling friends, teachers, family, everyone that i was leaving school. She alone could strike me to the core.
2 months later she came home from her first year at college for fall break. We had a normal movie night, with popcorn and me hosting her in her own home. I left her house about 2 am and drove home trying to savour every last moment of the evening. The following night was homecoming, we went to a party afterwards. I drove her home cause her ride got drunk. She told me to stop liking her. Said I was no good for her. I told her there were 2 ways. Find another girl or delete her out of my life. I didn't want to do either. She didn't even give me a hug when she got out of the car. I had to stop on the ride home so to compose myself before finishing the short drive. A few days later she went back to school. I left her a message that said I miss you..2 months. Because it will most likely be that long before we see each other again. She started an argument over people might think we were dating. They don't and why care about something so small. She wanted me to stop liking her. I said ok. Deleted her off my computer, email, facebook, myspace, photos. Then erased her contact info from my phone. Finally I sent her an email saying how I felt. I said Id call her when I was ready. a month. a year. i don't know. That was two days ago. My heart has lived two eternities.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a close friend. She asked me what if friday was the last time I'd ever see kelli. what would I have done differently. Now I'm scared. what if that is the last time. what if kelli is done with me on all levels. what if Ive made the biggest mistake of my life.
Tune in soon for
My life, as it falls back into place or unravels altogether...I'm hopin for the former
My thoughts on the election and how I decide who to vote for
Neat ideas on how to spruce up your cubicle in the office
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